Thursday, June 12, 2008

Tanning, the Aftermath.

I know what you were thinking when you read that title. You thought I'd walked away from my first tanning session burnt. Crispy. Crumbly. With skin like flaky layers of baklava.

Okay, forget that baklava comment. That's just horrific. I mean, skin like baklava. Not baklava itself. That stuff is sooo tasty.

Anyway, I didn't burn. In fact, I didn't really tan. But I didn't really expect to get a tan from one tanning session anyways. I did, though, walk away from the tanning salon knowing much more about the actual tanning process than I did before. I shall dispense my newly gained wisdom, so that you can tan with fewer surprises than I.

1) When you tan, you tan naked. They do provide a little towel for if you wanna cover up your... well, you know. There are some places where you don't care to tan. I think you catch my drift. But besides that little towel, and the most minimalist goggles you've ever seen (I thought they were goggles for cats) you're just laying there on the plastic in the buff.

2) You get pretty warm! I guess for some, this might be common sense. After all, you ARE being bombarded with the same radiation the sun gives, so naturally it's going to feel warm. For some reason, though, I didn't even think of that. So, you can imagine my surprise when the lights came on I settled, naked, into my polypropylene cocoon and began to get warm. I looked around, through the darkened lenses of my tiny goggles, as if to ask the bulbs, with my quizzical expression, if this heating was normal. They quickly responded with a calming "yes" and assured me that I had nothing to worry about. Strangely enough, tanning bulbs have British accents. : )

Seriously, though, I kept telling myself that the warming effect was normal. It wasn't really hot... just warm. But a deep, dark part of my mind kept envisioning a news report in which a "young male" would be found "baked in a tanning bed. Crispy. Crumbly. And with a skin not unlike the flaky layers of baklava."

In the end, though, I was only a little sweaty (yay for the little towel!) and generally pleased with my experience. : )


Ohh... and for those of you who might be worried about me developing a tanning habit, I'd like to show you what I hope to become.


  1. I tanned the year we went on a cruise in February. I loved the warmth the lights gave off,almost fell asleep! Have fun on your trip. Will you be blogging?

  2. tanning? really barry? this makes me laugh. and it was rather enjoyable to see you today! i was hoping you would realize it was me...we need to play!

  3. so jeff is laughing at me laughing because your blog is so funny.

  4. Bar, hope this prepares your "Utah Winter White" flesh for Mexico! (Isn't Utah Winter White a Ralph Lauren paint color??)
    I have been taking the chemical route, and I smell awful! eeuuu, self-tanner smell! Plus, I am mottled, My legs looks like a fine piece af golden Carrera marble. I plan on wearing a lot of capris.

  5. Ahh, tanning. The closest I ever hope to get to actually being put in an oven. I tanned a bit before my wedding in an attempt to rid myself of the farmer's tan I got on my arms working at the Mosquito Abatement. I agree with your little friend who wears red shoes... naptime!

    Hey, I don't get the part about little the towel. What is it for? Could you be more specific?

  6. Barry, please email me. I have a question and can't get your email address right. No hurry.