Tuesday, April 14, 2009

You Must Swear to Tell No One!

I have no idea why I thought about this the other day. But I need to tell you, because this is funny.

So, as children, we all had our little flawed logic, right? Sometimes it was cute and other times it just caused us to behave strangely. Sadly, for me, my flawed logic more often led me to be weird than cute.

In 1990 I witnessed a terrible, terrible thing. It was called "Arachnaphobia". If my unholy fear of spiders wasn't already cemented into my brain, this movie sealed the deal. One scene in particular left me completely aghast. A guy sits down on the toilet and a spider - hiding under the back of the toilet - bites the guy. And he dies!!! Upon seeing this, I was completely sure that every toilet in the world (including those found in my house) had spiders hiding up underneath them. To protect myself I did a little checkup every time I sat down on a toilet. It went like this:

1) Check the floor, if it's clean proceed to step 2. If not, lean over as far as you can and look under and behind the toilet for spiders.

2) Get down on floor and look up under the water tank of the toilet. Check all crevices and nooks behind the toilet and make sure there are no spiders.

3) If all is clear. Sit and go, but stay as far forward on the seat as possible so as to avoid any chances of a ninja spider attack.


I did that till I was like 14. Really. Then one day, as I was about to check for spiders, the nonsensical nature of the situation struck me and I never checked for spiders again. Not even while using really creepy toilets in Mexico.

My odd bathroom behavior didn't stop there, though.

I had - somewhere in my 13th or 14th year of life - found that using the bathroom was much more comfortable without a shirt on (and, when possible, without anything on!) The freedom of using the john without the restraining discomforts of civilized clothing was a newfound simple pleasure - like a glass of refreshing coke on a hot summer day. (George Castanza was also a big fan...)

That too passed, however, and needless to say, I do neither anymore. What a funny, strange little kid I was...

Now, be good, and keep this a secret.



  1. You are a nut!

    I must say I was getting a very awkward visual when reading your freedom of losing the "civilized clothing"
    So I was thankful to find out that wasn't something you still actively participate in :)

  2. wanna hear something embarrassing? as a child, i was terrified that mr. clean was gonna come out of the toilet every time i used the bathroom...i have no idea why, but i was seriously afraid of that bald head. hm, gotta love irrational fears.

  3. Barry! what has gotten nto you? did someone give you a truth serum or something? hahaha Actually the F.M.T.E. (full monty toilet experience) is quite common, surprisingly enough. Glad you grew out of it! I'm sure you can blame it on me, isnt everything the mother's fault?!

  4. I pee'd a little from laughing so hard while reading this! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

    (this is Shan by the way...it's on Andrew's email though)

  5. "Arachnaphobia" made lamps scary to me. Remember the scene when the spider bites the person who turns on/off the lamp? To this day, I still have to look up the lampshade before turning it off/on. That movie did a lot of damage.

  6. I couldn't stop laughing while reading this post. Dude...you are so freakin' weird! I love it!