Sunday, July 25, 2010

It's Been Freaking Weeks!

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. I was attacked by a bear named Kingston that demanded my money and then forced me to drive to Mexico where I was put into a slave labor camp making peanut butter from lettuce. Yeah, the bears didn't understand how it worked. They just really wanted peanut butter. In fact, they'd roam the lettuce fields voraciously wondering why nothing smelled like peanut butter. I tried to explain to them that you can't make peanut butter from lettuce, and was mauled for speaking out. So I just kept working until I could eventually build a plane from lettuce scraps and fly my way out of there. I flew into the sunset, bears roaring in anger beneath me, shooting flares at my lettuce airplane with the "Top Gun" theme playing in the background. My wings were singed in a few places, but I was gaining altitude and headed for the border - for my freedom.

Two days later, I crash landed near Blanding, Utah. I was parched, sunburned, and so freaking sick of that Top Gun theme song. I passed out under my pile of lettuce and didn't wake up till the next morning. Thankfully, the music had stopped. But then the ground begin to rumble - like the sound of a distant train on railroad tracks. On the horizon I saw a dust cloud forming and was ready to take shelter from what I thought was a sand storm. As it neared, though, I could see thousands of tiny, furry bodies sprinting towards me. Jackrabbits! I let out a primal scream and ran from the wreckage without looking back. In the distance I could hear their little teeth sink into the wings of my airplane while they grunted with delight. Hours of running later, I made my way to a desert highway where I stole a motorcycle from a time-travelling dinosaur named "Rex." Totally ruined his day, but I figured he'd do well with all the rabbits out there.

I rode the bike home and here I am. So as you can see, I have an excellent excuse for the lack of blog posts. I hope you can all understand.



  1. You achieved the ultimate compliment with this one... I just HAD to read it outloud to someone!

  2. SOMEONE needs to be writing children's books! Love that imagination.

  3. Thank you guys for the compliments! I'm seriously considering a children's book. The issue I'm running into is how I'd teach them something worthwhile. Ya gotta have a moral to the story nowadays...

  4. I'm speechless. You're brilliant!